Things I'm afraid to tell you

This blog topic was the genius idea of Ez from Creature Comforts and several other bloggers.  Basically, bloggers are airing their metaphorical dirty laundry, their faults, their insecurities.  Then, Mimi and Meg, a fabulous blog, decided to keep this honesty revolution going, so I thought I would join. 

Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

1.  I'm scared of burning out as a teacher.  Mind you, I don't think this is happening yet.  I still put in way too many hours and try to come up with great lessons.  I just don't want the non-stop stress to get to me and somehow turn into Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.   "Anyone?  Anyone??"  

2.  Our laundry is never done.  Ever.  When I look for, say, my striped shirt, I need to check my closet, drawers, two baskets of clean clothes spilling out onto the living room, and the dryer.  Dan and I have a silent power struggle over who will be the first to cave and fold. It could be a psychological experiment on marriage: let's put this basket and a couple in a room with a two-way mirror.  What can I say? It's the one chore we both hate.

3.  Dan's better at keeping his cool than me.  All you married folks know the rules:  Don't go to bed angry.  Don't yell.  Don't bring up other issues in a fight.  How a couple fights is deemed just as important as how compatible they are.  Yet I'm ashamed to admit that Dan is usually an all star at fighting because he follows all of these rules like a diligent student and is able to keep Obama-style calm.  I'm not saying that he's right in fights, but he does know how to fight right, if that makes sense. I, however, am the one who will have to apologize for the way I fought, for stomping out of the room or for bringing up "Yeah?  Well, you didn't do the dishes last night!" during a quibble about, say, money.  It's one marriage thing I'm definitely continuing to work on.

4.  I feel guilty about needing a break.   After my miscarriage last September, I cried off and on for three days.  Then, I talked with Dan about putting our efforts towards a family on hold.  I was exhausted from a year of peeing on sticks and, of course, our loss.  Many of you have been there before.  The blood clots the size of silver dollars, having to go through an ultrasound with no exuberant "listen to the heartbeat!" moment, the "it wasn't meant to be" platitudes, the follow-up visits to the gyno flipping through Parents magazine listening to pregnant patients complain about swollen feet... I was done.  I thought I would take off a month or two.   Fast forward seven blissfully carefree months later, I finally am ready again.  

I am afraid to say out loud that I feel guilty and self-indulgent for taking that much time off (wasting all that baby making time) and am scared of trying again, of losing, of our lives changing.  I just keep wishing someone could promise me that none of this would hurt at all.   Which is silly, of course. 

I know this is heavier than my other things (hard to compare number 4 to, say, leaving laundry on the floor).  I'm not posting this because I want any sort of responses; it's just that baby stuff is on my mind a lot and if I'm going to reveal shit I'm afraid to say, this has to be on it.

What are you afraid to tell people?  Feel free to click here and join too!