"Not porno tongue, church tongue"

There's a scene in The Wedding Singer where Drew Barrymore's character and her best friend are talking about what kind of kiss she should do after her husband and she are pronounced officially married.

She wants to do a chaste kiss, while her friend scoffs and says, "What do you want? Thin, tight lips and then it's over? ... There's got to be a little tongue."

Drew concedes with, "Okay, a little tongue. Not porno tongue! Church tongue."

She then practices her sincere, soft, "church tongue" kiss on Adam Sandler.

About three years ago, when I was planning my own wedding, I begged Dan to practice our own "church tongue" first kiss as man and wife ahead of time. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: "(Wheedling) Please, hon! There are going to be so many pictures of our first kiss, and I want it to come out great. Also, I want you to be yourself and not just give me a quick peck because all your frat buddies are watching and you don't want to get too emotional. I know you want that to be spontaneous, but you know me! I'm just not that spontaneous a gal. Let's just try one practice round. Just think of Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer! You like Adam Sandler! Just one practice. C'mon, babe! Make out with me!"

Dan: "No."

I never could get Dan to practice the kiss beforehand, but now I'm so grateful that he denied my inner-crazy-wedding-planner.

When we finally did hear, "I now pronounce you man and wife," I leaned in slowly for a perfect, sweet, movie star kiss.

Dan, however, promptly grabbed me in a rib-crushing bear hug, smooched me passionately on my lips... and then kept giving me fat, wet kisses all over my cheeks and forehead while I couldn't stop laughing and soaking them in.

We look at our wedding album every June 24th. Our first kiss picture is my absolute favorite:

The "not-to-do" list

I've been pretty worthless over the past two days.

A typical schedule consists of waking up at 10:00, puttering around house, cleaning, groceries, surfing Internet for forever, a phone call or two to friends, a lazy walk with Dan, watching re-runs of The Real Housewives of New Jersey or some other inane show that I don't even like, a half-hearted work out, mauling chips and homemade salsa, stay up way too late with Dan, obsess over which project to start next, get to bed by 2:00, repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Tomorrow is Dan and my anniversary (more on that soon! We had such a great early getaway to a B and B last week.) I'm officially allowed to relax. After Wednesday though, the party is over...

Thursday is the day I need to start on all the projects I've been swearing I would work on this summer. Here is what is on the agenda:

Wake up. Make my breakfast. Get to work painting my office.

Now, it should be that simple. Wake up and get to work.

Unfortunately, I am easily distracted, and there are only about a bazillion distractions out there.

Jeffrey Yamaguchi, author of the amazing book 52 Projects, says that the best way to get through any project is to make a NOT-to-do list (his was very funny!). These are things I will NOT do when I'm supposed to be painting my office:

Do not blog hop.
Do not drool over office accessories, like this stylish rug from 'Lil Welsh Rarebit
Do not go on www.thisyounghouse.com.
Do not spend forever on hair after shower.
Do not give a myself a manicure.
Do not tweeze eyebrows and contemplate starting to get them waxed.
Do not Google salons for eyebrow waxing prices.
Do not search out cute sundresses on Banana Republic and Ann Taylor Loft
Do not turn on t.v.
Do not pop in 27 Dresses.
Do not decide to organize my closet.
Do not unload dishwasher.
Do not suddenly get a hankering for a gourmet deli sandwich and drive to Carytown to go to Coppola's and then stop by World of Mirth to window shop.
Do not stalk out people on facebook.
Do not search for new people to "friend" on facebook.
Do not get on blogger.
Do not edit old posts.
Do NOT BLOG HOP.
Do not go on Etsy and search for cute prints for bedroom.
Do not apply sunless tanner.
Do not fuss over streaks from said sunless tanner.
Do not swiffer the floors (even though they reallllly need to be cleaned! Oh, how about just the bedroom?)
Do not take out the trash.
Do not start nagging Dan to take out the trash and get into a tiff about house work.
Do not take a nap.
Do not go on iTunes and try to find new music.
Do not shimmy to Beyonce's "Single Ladies"
Do not go on www.cnn.com.
Do not discuss Iran situation with Dan and double check my pronunciation of "Ahmadinejad"
Do NOT NOT NOT blog hop!!
Do not go on "rate my space" on HGTV.
Do not go work out.
Do not phone a friend.
Do not pass "go".
Do not endlessly obsess over the paint color for the office.
Do not stop to read all journals and scrapbooks being stored in office when you start cleaning it out.
Do not stop at the pictures of my family at Christmas and my Scottish terrier nosing into her stocking.
Do not suddenly decide to Google types of dogs that would best fit lifestyle.
Do not take the quiz "Which dog is right for you?"
Do not take a quick peek at my blog to see if someone left a comment.
Do not stay on my own blog to re-read my posts and check out my own pictures. Weirdo. :)
DO NOT PERUSE OTHER PEOPLE'S BLOGS. DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE!
Do not read books from library.
Do not watch HGTV and cooking network.
Do not start talking to Dan for hours when he gets in from work (although, a small break couldn't hurt, right?).
Do not get talked into blowing off project by Dan and instead watch him kick ass at answering Jeopardy questions faster than the contestants.


Lastly, do not write a post for your blog (sadly, too late).

What's life without a few fun distractions? :)

The "It's my blog, and I'll bore if I want to!" list

Sometimes, as I'm writing a blog post, I think...

Is this completely boring?

I mean, do other people really want to see a picture of lemon cookies I baked, or hear about Dan and I played Guitar Hero on his birthday? I wrote an entry about my sister's graduation that my sister, the person of blog honor, didn't even respond to. Even this particular entry, which started as a review of the amazingly touching movie Up, made me stop and think, Is this a big enough topic to write about? If I were playing "leap blog" (which I do often by clicking on links from one blog to another) and came across a post similar to mine, would I even stop to read it? Sometimes it doesn't seem like my little blog moments are quite significant enough. I don't have any adorable kid stories to share, I'm not using this blog to show off astounding artistry, I don't have any clever tips to reveal, and I'm not particularly witty, or biting, or hilarious, etc.

(By the way, I totally forgive you if you clicked on the above links for adorable kid stories or photography or decorating tips and got sidetracked from my oh-so-deep blog about blogging!)

I must confess that this nagging inner voice sometimes sounds just like my sister. Bethany is kind, caring, supportive, fiesty... and she has a very endearing mean streak. When I started this blog, I let my sister know that I had put her graduation picture and wrote a little story about how happy I was for her. While I knew I probably wouldn't share my blog with friends until I had really established it, I figured a story all about Bethany would hook her into being my first avid reader. Surely she would be interested in my to do list, my recipes, my witty observations on life.

Not quite. When I asked her about not making a comment, she gently commented that she didn't feel compelled to respond to the content on my blog.

Actually, her exact words were, "No one wants to read that boring shit!"

We both cracked up in big belly laughs for five minutes straight. While I'm sure this looks harsh in writing, she said it with love and a toothy grin. Now the running joke when we talk on the phone and she asks me a question that I happened to have written about, I huff and say, "Jeez, haven't you read my blog??"

My sister's pointed comment aside, this is my blog, and I can write about my small moments if I want to. So back to my review of the movie Up (I promise this post does have a point). I somehow dragged Dan on a double date to see this PG movie. I was grateful for the dorky 3D glasses if for no other reason than they hid my streaming eyes. I'm not usually such a sap, but there was a montage of an old man's memories with his wife that completely choked me up. It showed so many ordinary marriage moments: chores, set-backs, injuries, picnics, decorating, relaxing side by side with a book, meaningful glances, decisions about family, and kisses.

The movie made the point that the little moments are the real adventure. These little moments are what make up a life.

I think that's why I like this whole blogging thing. I find other people's everyday adventures fascinating, from seeing a friend's adorable baby wrapped in a new ducky robe :), to reading a total stranger's post about an herb garden that's starting to sprout up. I almost like these entries more than the earth-shattering events.

In case anyone else feels the same way, here are a few more small, kinda boring things that would make up my own life montage:

1. Dan modeling his Steve Urkel...er, I mean drop-dead-sexy 3D glasses after the movie:












(Get jealous, ladies. This fine piece of meat is all mine!)

2. Favorite poems that I re-read whenever I need a lift (This one happens to neatly correspond with today's blog topic!)

3. The occasional comment on my blog, though, I'm not hinting by any means- ha ha!, and also reading new posts from other people

4. The links I have in the top paragraph (Seriously, you must click on "astounding artistry" and check out those dream cookies.)

5. The overnight trip Dan and I have planned to a cheap (but cute!) bed and breakfast for our three year anniversary









6. A long run with a fully charged i-pod

7. The delicious stack of books on my bedside table that I actually have time to read now that it is summer

I know I'm being about as sentimental and sappy as one of those Precious Moments figurines, so I'll wrap it up for now. Not sure if anyone is still reading this, but just wanted to say thanks for visiting and commenting, and I'll continue to enjoy reading about your "little adventures," too.

Oh, and of course thank you for not calling my writing "boring shit"!

The birthday celebration list

"You say it's your birthday. It's my birthday too, yeah!" Happy b-day to my hubby!

Dan loves birthdays. A lot. And he has milked his for all its worth! It's very funny because he's usually a low key guy, but he becomes an excited ten year old every June 12th. He talks about it about two weeks ahead of time, gets so excited when I cook him breakfast that morning, and in general has a blast soaking up the attention. So, what did we do to celebrate him turning 31, a ripe age of maturity and dignity? We acted like kids!




Dan's 31st:

* What did Dan request for his birthday breakfast? Scrambled eggs and reheated greasy leftover pizza. It's nice to have a guy who is so easy to please!

* After work, we went out to a favorite gourmet soup and sandwich place to pig out on barbeque sandwiches and fries and then to Dave & Buster's (adult arcade/bar). Beer + Pacman + air hockey + Guitar Hero = one ecstatic hubby! Are we nerds for going to an arcade?? Can I just also say that Guitar Hero is one of the most addictive games ever?!

* I bought him an i-pod shuffle and filled it with his favorite songs by the Beatles and Led Zeppelin, to which he bopped around the house like one of those silhouette people from the ipod commercial for the next half hour.

* We pigged out on the Oreo pie that I made.

* We shopped for a new bike (yes, a bit of a splurge, but he's been wanting it for forever.) He kept talking about how "kick ass" Lance Armstrong is. I try not to roll my eyes when he talks about biking up the entire east coast. Keep dreaming. :)

* On Saturday, he played golf and went out for drinks with college buddies (while I got a little much needed girl hang out time going out for Thai food! Yum!)

* Lastly, we pigged out on a decadent brunch at Can Can brasserie. Yes, more overindulgent eating. We were definitely bad this weekend! Two orders of eggs benedict, a basket of bread, and two butter croissants later, we then went out to see The Hangover, the ultimate guy movie.

Just like a kid who has sugar crashed from birthday cake, Dan's taking the longest nap ever now. I think our birthday celebration wore him out!

To end in a very Dan appropriate way, I leave you with The Beatles:

"You say it's your birthday. We're gonna have a good time!"

How to eat fried crickets!

There are some things about Richmond that I can't stand:
* the occasional stupid scandal (like the one a few years ago where there was a rush on free iBooks that left 17 people injured)
* irrationally conservative and ignorant "southern pride" rednecks
* the fact that the Braves had no choice but to leave town when no one would update stadium (still upset about this one...)

Despite its flaws, today I was SO proud of Richmond for putting on its first unbelievable food festival "Broad Appetite". Fifty great Richmond restaurants, ranging from prissy cupcake boutiques to messy barbeque joints to even those fancy "food with height" establishments, sold small samples of their food for a few bucks. In short, pretty much this girl's idea of heaven. There were also weird food and intricate ice sculpture demonstrations, jugglers, open art galleries to stroll through, and plenty of funny people watching.

Remember that line in the movie Clueless where Cher rattles off the list of food she ate that day that made her feel like a "heifer" ("two bowls of Special K, three slices of turkey, a handful of popcorn...")? That girl has got nothing on what Dan and I split eating today:

* Creamy shrimp and grits
* Beer and a refreshing limeade
* Fresh Thai shrimp roll
* Spicy corn crab cake on croissant
* Three marinated pork and beef brisket mini sandwiches













* Spicy ancho chile brownie with blood orange icecream
* Zucchini carrot cake cake with cream cheese icing
* Lemon zest cupcake
* And... (Cue screeching sound of record): Two deep fried crickets from food demonstration! Some big-shot chef was talking about how bugs are delicacies in other countries and was dishing up some "grub" (literally: larvae!) and, of course, crunchy crickets. He gave each member of the audience a big handful, although Dan and I only ate one each.


Here's the poor little deep fried guy in my hand. I looked at him for forever just to make sure his antenna wasn't moving still. The demonstrator kept telling people to be open-minded and nagging them "to just try it", and I felt that if I didn't take one I would be a total hypocrite, especially given the fact that I'm always trying to get Dan to be a more adventurous eater. In the end, we both crunched one down, although Dan wouldn't let me take a picture of him in his "Man vs. Wild" bug-eating moment.

Here is the picture of me venturing to chew one. It was definitely a "mind over matter" situation because the bug actually wasn't that disgusting. It was just kind of an odd crunchy texture (TMI):


And here is me directly afterwards. The lemon cupcake and limeade helped wash away any fried cricket taste!


A good day to be a Richmonder!

The stylin' 80's list

Girls just wanna have fun!

Could I have come up with a more cliché opening line for my Friday in NOVA watching 80's cover band The Legwarmers? Hmm.. well, my other options were "Material Girls", or, I could have gotten like totally creative and modified the title of a Whitesnake song by simply writing "Here we go again!", but that wouldn't have made much sense because this is the first time I've seen the show. Well, anyway, girls really do wanna ("they just wa-nna!") have fun, and that's just what we did.

I went to the show with my actual sis, a sorority sister, her boyfriend, and his roomie. Dan chose to preserve his dignity by NOT donning the requisite mullet or track suit and instead staying home for a guys night. I was actually kind of nervous about going because I'm a low key gal on Fridays after working a hellishly long week. Call me a grandma, but renting videos and snuggling with Dan suits me just fine. What would the other 80's style party-goers think if my eyelids drooped in the middle of, say, "Wake me up before you go-go"?? Oh, the horror! Luckily, the band was so fun that I was able to keep some energy throughout the whole night.

Just as a quick and easy re-cap, here is my list of what I spotted this past Friday:


1. Mullets, track suits, and piano neckties:




2. Fellow Zeta sister Miranda sporting the classic "Frankie says RELAX" t-shirt.


3. Three girls (i.e.- us) constantly re-applying bubble gum pink lipstick and turquoise eye shadow


4. Shrieking female fans when one of the lead singers, goes by pseudonym Cru Jones, in his oh-so-tight pants and mullet leaned out to the crowd. My sister and I were part of said crowd. She was able to touch his hand. (Lucky bitch. Ha ha!:)


5. Twenty and thirty something crowd screeching all lyrics (and fist pumping to "Eye of the Tiger"). Also, group of five playing air guitar constantly (that would be us.) No picture for this one, so album cover will have to suffice:


6. Totally rad accessories: glow in the dark earrings, mesh tights and gloves, bangles


I feel like I need to jam more 80's lingo into my ending. Hmmm... well, here are a few more totally awesome and excellent photos before I need to "book it" out of here:

The "is-it-summer-yet??" list

What's not to like about the last two weeks of school? Plenty!

1. All work and no play makes Christen a dull girl. (A dull girl who will organize all folders on iBook's desktop during SOL testing- which leads us to number 2.)
2. SOL testing for eight straight days. That's over 16 hours of proctoring or hall monitoring, my friends.
3. 2 weeks= feels like time warp - I am Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.
4. Can't listen to myself screech out, "All students making the beat box sound will stop immediately or else receive a lunch detention!"
5. I don't wanna eat lunch with said detainees! Why do I have to be punished too by silently chewing my Lean Cuisine with only my iBook and a ticked off teen sulking in the corner to keep me company?
6. NO ONE IS LISTENING TO THE FRAZZLED TWENTY-SOMETHING TEACHER IN THE FRONT OF THE ROOM. "Like, what is she talking about?" Then, I have to repeat the directions three more times. Grr...


Holy shitballs, I have nine days still. I'm not going to make it, folks!

In honor of the end of school, this sluggish, boring, stressful, "God-am-I-walking-in-quick-sand-because-I-feel-like-time-and-me-are-not-moving" last two weeks of school, I have compiled a really bad haiku:

Stuck in middle school
"Huh? What did the teacher say??"
June 12th: please come quick!

Go to my happy place* Go to my happy place * Go to my happy place! Dan and I are at parks during the summer enjoying perfect sunshine, lemonade, and clear skies. Picture to help me remember:


Ahhh, that's better! June 12th, I know you're out there! :)