The post I've been waiting a long time to write

  

Over the past year, I've listed to Mumford and Sons' wistful song "I will Wait for You" more times than I care to admit.  You know the one?  The frantic banjo strumming... hot, scruffy, British men at first crooning... then almost crying out an equal parts heart-breaking and triumphant promise:

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

 

Those lines really resonated with me.

I've played it on my iPhone non-stop, a soundtrack to my life during every tearful call to my mom, every nightmare pastel baby shower, every "Do you have any kids?" query from other teachers, even the infamous daycare football party. 

It was a waiting game for having a kid.  This is not unusual, I know.  Many of you probably have a similar story.

Of course, the waiting began much earlier than this year.  Dan and I started trying for a baby in late 2009.  Fast forward a mortgage in ovulation tests and a year and half later, I finally saw a plus sign.  And then I was crying in the shower after my miscarriage six and a half weeks later.   Fast forward another few months just to gather my sanity, and we began again. 

I started to listen to this song, imagining singing it to a child that did not exist yet, month after month, fear creeping in.  Even Dan's usual sunny attitude was being chipped away, with him finally breaking down on New Year's Day.  We kept changing our strategies: let's try every day!  Or every other day! Or let's set an alarm for 4am! Or how about I keep my legs up!  Or everyone is telling us to relax so break out the wine!  Or I'll get a new timing app! Or I'll drink pomegranate juice! Or I'll drink cough syrup! Or let's both change our diets!  Or let's buy PreSeed! Or let's buy a different brand of ovulation kits! Or you should get tested!  Finally, I resolved to can the old wives' tales and see a fertility doctor, a decision that was a long time coming.

But I'll kneel down, Wait for now, I'll kneel down, Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you


Today, I listened to it for the first time in sixteen weeks and smiled and teared up a bit and hugged Dan a little tighter.  As you may have guessed, I'm pregnant, finally into my second trimester. I just can't believe it in some ways!
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 Sometimes, I felt kinda alone through all of this, and I realized afterwards with all the insensitive commenters in my life (mostly at school, never on this blog), there were also so many people rooting for us: friends, family, and even on this tiny blog.  That's another post for a different day, but thank you for anyone who has commented or commiserated or even written a private message on my Facebook. It meant so much!
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This is probably an overly emotional post.  Most people just post an ultrasound photo and call it a day. I haven't gone through anything compared to others who have suffered through infertility for years and years, through IVF, through endless heart-break.  Even though my doctor labeled me otherwise, I guess I was never infertile.  Not really.  I just had to wait and wait. 

Yet even that was truly difficult.  Perhaps you've been there too.  Waiting and waiting for something: to be noticed, to get that proposal, for a career you love, for a baby.  Does it sound insincere that even though I probably have never *met* you, I hope that waiting ends soon?  And that I'm sending out good thoughts??

It feels weird to finally write about this now, when it has been going on for sixteen weeks, but we were just too scared of losing again to throw it out there on the interweb.    I'm still not going to announce it to everyone at my school or Facebook.  I figure that we will gradually tell people that really know us, and the others will catch up if it matters to them. But it feels great to finally say it here!  Yes, we are still scared, but if something were to happen now, I would need to write about it.  And besides, there's so much joy I want to share.  Just to document these past few months, several posts are coming. 

I've been listening to a new song lately: The Beatles' "It won't be long"!  It's my new favorite.